05 August 2009

i have green eyes.


it's one of those feelings that just comes up unexpectedly. i don't think anyone sets out to wish they had what someone else has, be it be possessions, status, abilities, or to experience what someone else gets to experience. it comes from a feeling that you're somehow getting shortchanged, that your abilities are going unnoticed or unappreciated, that the spotlight is not shining on you.

something recently has made my natural green eyes greener and i was not happy with the feeling. that's not who i want to be. my way of working through it was joking around, making fun and taking playful jabs, but afterward i felt like my true feelings were too thinly veiled and i was being a complete bitch.

in order to work through it and move beyond feeling envy, i focused on gratitude. focusing on all the things i do have. all the ways in which i've been blessed. as with most feelings, i knew the envy would fade. it was my ego saying "i want mine...", to which i said, you've got yours beyond what anyone can even see. if you still want more, work harder for it. make your own spotlight. create your own opportunity.

another thing i've thought about...whenever you actually do end up getting that thing you've coveted, it's often not as amazing as you built it up to be. i remember wanting white leather tennis shoes when i was in 6th or 7th grade because a couple of the more popular girls had them. i finally got them and the inevitable happened. i slipped my middle school feet into them and somehow they no longer seemed as cool. they weren't me. today, i think, "what were you thinking? white tennis shoes? nikes? really?! " recently, i've seen boys pull this look off successfully, but its white adidas with fitted jeans. boys. not girls. i guess that's a fashion post for another time!

crazy feelings. sometimes it would be nice if we could just shake them off, but feel them we must until we've worked out whatever it is we need to discover about ourselves. big or small, the discovery usually helps the next time an uncomfortable feeling appears out of nowhere.


J said...

It's hard sometimes to not get caught up in envious feelings. Once you cave it can be a downward spiral. Good for you - focusing on the things you do have/accomplished. Like you said, I find appreciating the blessigs I've been given helps pull you up out of that nastiness. Hope to catch up w/ ya soon.

k said...

Such self-awareness is not easily gained. Good for you.

Anonymous said...

I love your words "but feel them we must until we've worked out whatever it is we need to discover about ourselves." I love how you are confident and destine to discover your soul. You're beautiful!